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Advice given to those experiencing the effects of an extramarital affair, differs substantially depending who you are . . .
Are you the person having or considering having an extramarital affair? - click here
Do you suspect or know that your partner or spouse is having an extramarital affair? - click here
General information about extramarital affairs
1. extramarital affairs advice advice about Why Do People Have Affairs?
This is often the first question people ask when they learn of their partner's or spouses extramarital affair. the answers they come up with are usually based on personal blame. They blame themselves, their partner, their relationship, or the third party. They see it strictly as a personal problem, a personal failure of the people involved. This is a very simple explanation for a very complex question.
Usually there are three different kinds of forces that are working together:
1. Forces within the individual that pull them toward affairs
Attraction: sex, companionship, admiration, power
Excitement, risk, or challenge
Falling in love
2. Forces within the individual that push them toward affairs:
Desire to escape or find relief from a painful relationship
Desire to fill gaps in an existing relationship
Desire to punish one's partner
Need to prove one's attractiveness or worth
Desire for attention
3. Societal influences:
Affairs are glamorised in movies, soap operas, romance novels, and TV shows of all kinds. Public disclosure of public figures having affairs is headline news because we are fascinated and titillated by hearing of others' affairs.
People are bombarded with images of women as sex objects in advertising and marketing campaigns. Over and over, the message to men is that the good life includes a parade of sexy women in their lives. Women inadvertently buy into this image and strive to achieve it.
The lack of good sex education and the existence of sexual taboos combine to make it difficult for most partners to talk honestly about sex.
As teenagers we get conditioned in deception when it comes to sex engaging in sexual activity while hiding it from our parents.
The code of secrecy is a major factor in affairs because it provides protection for the person having affairs and leads them to believe they won't get caught.
Bottom Line: There is no ONE single reason a person has an affair. There are usually many reasons, including some of the forces that pull them toward affairs and some of the forces that push them toward affairs, combined with the influence of the general factors in society that contribute to affairs.
2. Who Has Affairs?
We tend to think that only bad people have affairs or only people in bad relationships. But no one is immune from an affair.
Monogamy is something most people say they believe in and want for themselves. Every survey ever done on this question shows a high percentage of people think monogamy is important to marriage and that affairs are wrong. But a belief in monogamy as an ideal doesn't prevent large numbers of people from having extramarital affairs. Most people don't intend to have an affair and most people don't think it will happen to them but it does.
Bottom Line: No one is immune from having affairs disrupt their lives or the lives of those they care about; they happen to all kinds of people, in all walks of life.
3. How Prevalent are Affairs?
But we need to take a closer look at the statistics on affairs to determine what they can contribute to an understanding of our sexual patterns. While affairs happen in non-marital, committed relationships as well as within marriage, most of the statistics deal only with extramarital affairs. These statistics began with Kinsey's reports in the 1940's and early 1950's. Kinsey's samples included 5,000 men and showed that by age 40, 50 percent of the men had experienced extramarital sexual intercourse. Kinsey's original samples of 6,000 women showed that by age 40, 26 percent of the women had experienced extramarital sexual intercourse.
Later studies dealing exclusively with men indicate a continuous increase in the number of men having extramarital affairs. The increase for women having affairs has been even more significant. Some of the statistics, both for men and for women, are extremely high and legitimately debated, but many people question any statistics on extramarital affairs, arguing that statistics are unreliable and confusing and that no one knows precisely how prevalent affairs are. While there are slight differences in the estimates based on clinical studies and questionnaires, the bottom line is compelling in showing an extremely high (and rising) incidence of extramarital affairs.
Why it helps to know about the prevalence of affairs:
People who have not yet faced this issue, either in their own lives or with their friends or family, would do well to start with a realistic picture of the frequency of affairs in society as a whole. It's not that the sheer frequency means it will happen to any specific person, but it does say a lot about the kind of support to expect from society for remaining monogamous vs. having affairs. We need to make a commitment to face the reality of affairs and address the issue in a more responsible way, both individually and as a society.
Bottom Line: Most of us expect monogamy to be a normal part of marriage or any committed relationship. The reality is that monogamy is not the norm.
4. Is Monogamy Natural?
People often get caught up in a debate over whether people are naturally monogamous or naturally have affairs. That's a useless debate, as was clearly expressed by Jessie Bernard in her classic work, The Future of Marriage:
Millions of words have been used to document both
the naturalness and the unnaturalness of monogamy. The question...is,
actually, unanswerable. We will never know if there is anything intrinsic
in human nature that limits the ways the sexes can relate to one another
because no one has ever survived outside of any culture long enough to
teach us. Human nature seems to be able to take almost any form of marriage or
unable to take any form.
Affairs happen in so many marriages that it's unreasonable to think they're due solely to factors within each marriage. Whatever the personal factors involved in affairs, they are more than outweighed by the significant, powerful, and pervasive societal factors. We have a responsibility to learn more about our role, individually and as a whole, in supporting the societal factors that contribute to affairs.
Bottom Line: Debating the naturalness or unnaturalness of monogamy is a way of avoiding dealing directly with this issue. Regardless of whether or not it's natural, it's happening; so starting from there, there is much to learn.
5. How Can Affairs be Prevented?
Prevention is possible only through a commitment to Honesty, not a promise to be monogamous.
Definition of Honesty: not withholding relevant information.
What won't work:
What will work:
Why honesty works:
Who can use this process?
Bottom Line: There are no guarantees. The issue of monogamy is never settled once and for all. It requires ongoing honest discussion of the issue. This makes it possible for a couple to feel they really know each other, making it more likely they can trust that they won't deceive each other, thus preventing affairs.
Extramarital Dating since 2001
Here at Affairs Ltd we have been helping people find extramarital affairs since 2001. We are very well established and have built up a huge number of users. We started in the UK and have expanded worldwide. So wherever you live in the world, you can find an affair near you.
Three Easy Steps to Get Started
1. Register a few simple details. You can be as anonymous as you wish but we will need an email address to confirm who you are.
It's quick, free and private to get started
30% Of online relationships evolve into real-world affairs. A staggering nine out of ten women in relationships flirt with other men on a regular basis.
Studies find that more than one in five men do have an affair, at least once in their lives, and that women are now about as likely as men to cross the line.
In a survey 98 percent of men and 80 percent of women surveyed reported having a sexual fantasy about someone other than their partner at least once in the previous two months. Bet it's higher!
The chance of a married woman having an affair is highest within the first five years and falls off gradually with time. Men have two high-risk phases, one during the first five years of marriage and, the second, after the 20th year.