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/ Extramarital Affairs News / archive / 7th Nov / For those willing to accept help, change is possible

Extramarital Affairs News

7th November 2003

For those willing to accept help, change is possible

DEAR DR. BROTHERS: Can a husband who's a womanizer, who thinks nothing of extramarital flings, ever really change? I'm married to one who's been an expert at cheating ever since I met him 15 years ago. Of course, I didn't know that when we got married. I was young and stupid, I guess. Five years ago, I left him and we went our separate ways, but partly because of our families and our religion, we never actually divorced. He's back in town again, and we've had two dinners together. He apologized for all the hell he's put me through, and he now wants to get back together again. I'm not involved with anyone else now, and in a strange way I've missed him and think I still love him. He swears he's changed, but I'm wondering if this is even possible for someone like him. -- V.N.

DEAR V.N.: Although changing old habits and lifestyles isn't easy, it certainly is possible if a person gains awareness of patterns that were destructive to him- or herself and others. Change is so difficult that to accomplish it, most individuals not only need to be highly motivated, but also need help from therapy or a support group. It sounds as if your husband might have been using sex and promiscuity in an attempt to escape from some other emotional problems that he wasn't ready or willing to face.

That is usually the case with those addicted to sex or any other self-destructive behavior, but there is treatment, and anyone willing to accept it is capable of change.

DEAR DR. BROTHERS: I'm a guy in my mid-40s, and so far, I've avoided marriage. I guess the idea of commitment has always scared me, and because I'm fortunate in having received a super education that has helped me get good jobs all along the way, I'm now successful and very happy in my career. The problem is not a shortage of women. In fact, right now I'm with someone I love very much, who's been putting on the pressure to get married, but I'm still holding back. I love children, though, and I don't want to lose her. She's only in her late 20s, so what's the rush? We can both wait -- or is it time for me to take the leap, do you think? -- W.H.

DEAR W.H.: I do. If you love this woman, I wouldn't procrastinate about setting a date for the wedding. Men, too, have a biological clock, and although both sexes today can expect to start families somewhat later in life, it isn't wise to wait too long. Of course, there are men whose sperm can produce healthy babies very late in life, but the chances are far better if men, as well as women, don't ignore the ticking clock too long.

Even though age seems to have become increasingly irrelevant in the sense that the stereotypic attitudes about intellectual, psychological or physical age have ceased to apply, it's better if you're not in your 80s when your children are teenagers.

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Affairs Fact

30% Of online relationships evolve into real-world affairs. A staggering nine out of ten women in relationships flirt with other men on a regular basis.

Affairs Fact

Studies find that more than one in five men do have an affair, at least once in their lives, and that women are now about as likely as men to cross the line.

Affairs Fact

In a survey 98 percent of men and 80 percent of women surveyed reported having a sexual fantasy about someone other than their partner at least once in the previous two months. Bet it's higher!

Affairs Fact

The chance of a married woman having an affair is highest within the first five years and falls off gradually with time. Men have two high-risk phases, one during the first five years of marriage and, the second, after the 20th year.

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